On behalf of Janice's loved ones, we'd like to thank everyone who has followed her on her journey over the past several months. We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, and endless support.

---

Janice Borndahl, 39, Elgin, was accepted in the arms of Christ on November 20, 2008. She was preceded in death by her mother, Phyllis Wisbrock. She is survived by her father, Bert Wisbrock; sister, Lynne (John) Schneegas (children Michael, Sean, and Heather Schneegas); sister, Cathy (Patrick) Kelley (children Lisa (DJ) Hird, Cindy and Greg Kelley); brother Ray (Jeanne) Wisbrock (children Stefanie, Adam and Kyle Wisbrock); and brother Mark (Mary) Wisbrock (daughter Ashley Wisbrock).

Services are as follows:

Visitation – Saturday, November 22^nd; 3-8pm Yurs-Wittenberg Funeral Home 1771 W. State St (Rte. 38) Geneva, IL 60134 630-232-7337

Celebration of Life – Sunday, November 23^rd; 4pm Orchard/Arlington Heights Evangelical Free Church 1330 N. Douglas Ave. Arlington Heights, IL 60004 (visitation with family prior to service, 3-4pm at the church)

Interment – Monday, November 24^th; 12pm Queen of Heaven Cemetery Wolf & Roosevelt Rds. Hillside, IL 60162

Memorials:

Janice Borndahl Memorial Fund
c/o Cathy Kelley
6N139 Weber Drive
St. Charles, IL 60174

or

c/o Harris Bank
1 East Main Street
St. Charles, IL 60174

Thanks to all of Janice’s friends and family for their love, support and prayers.

Happy Living!

A Quick Trip to the ER

The sharp shooting pains in my legs come and go with less worries to me than an annoyance that quit frankly keep me singing the "Oooouuuch song". It's a lovely tune really - for the dogs!!! Anyhoot, I haven't thought much of them, hoping they are evidence of my legs coming alive. My oncologist increased my Gabapentin dose to help with these pains and this extra dosage has helped. That's why it was a shock when I woke this morning with a persistant pain in my right heel that moved by evening to the back of my right thigh. This concerned my sister enough to call the oncologist office to see if this should concern us. "Okay, I'll take her in," I heard her say on the phone. My "Oooouuuch song" changed it's tune quickly!! I didn't want to go to the hospital; but yes, I went. She and the doctor were concern that this pain was caused by a blood clog -- which can be...fatal :( The excruciating pain subsided when I agreed to going to the hospital and didn't pick up again until we got the good news - no clogs :) Ah, the mind is a powerful source. I should keep this in mind when I let my mind wander!! All this to say the trip to and from the hospital was less than 3 hours and we know that I'm clog free. The pain is most likely from the nerves. AND now I have a short and sweet hospital visit in my memory to offset my month hospital tour!

Am I A Walking Contradiction?

My faith stands firm in my heart yet my actions contradict nearly everything I stand for. The days go by fast with little to nothing accomplished. Tears are a daily activity. My faith and courage have been sacrificed for lazy days. I've forfeited strength for weakness; hope for despair, love for loneliness, and community for isolation. My heart soaks up the love that is bestowed me yet my mind wanders to places it surely shouldn't go -- the temptations to feel sorry for my self seems the easier path -- a path I'm sure has a ring leader of God's own enemy. I fight head aches, blurred vision, heavy legs, random shooting pains, sore arms, tight shoulders and more. I fear going to sleep on account of the restlessness that has accompanied so many sleepless nights. I'm not a psychologist however observing my behavior I can't help but label my mood as melancholy. Are my defeated actions evidence of depression? In my pain and fear and confusion I've been told I've spoken harshly; in my ugliness I've offended others. I beg for grace and mercy to be extended. Can my broken heart authentically express its hopelessness without being ugly? I'm just wondering. I'm praying and hoping that my character superseded any hint of appalling tones and words. I am sad, I am overwhelmed, I am confused, I am discouraged. Still, Jesus died on the cross for my sins and He loves me. I know I can approach Him in my imperfection and He will extend grace, mercy and forgiveness. I know I have a place in heaven and this fills my heart with hope.

Oversized Love Note :)

This card arrived in the mail last week. I have it hanging at the end of my bed and it makes the perfect good morning & good night reminder of the love that surrounds me. Thank you for the perfect love note girls & gang :)

It's Amazing...

how little I get done with so much time. My list of things to do is nothing to fear really; however knowing that I have all day to get it done lead me to major putzing with days ending with nothing done. More later...I have to go putz for a while :)

Chemo = Sleepy Time

I was fortunate enough to experience little to no side effects during my chemo yet these last two weeks have me taking naps in the afternoon and by the evening I closely resemble a zombie. I love my naps! Nap time is usually around 1pm if anyone needs to dodge work and get some z's feel free to stop by with your blanky and pillow!

A Judge, A Critic & A Slanderer

First I thought I was judgemental -- I have an opinion about everything which comes from observation and therefore it must be correct. Then I thought, no I'm just critical -- which coincidentally also comes from my opinion which is based on observation and yes, therefore, it must also be correct. Unfortunately, I see that regardless of what I call myself, when I share my opinion with another if I deface the name of who I'm talking about I'm a slanderer. Slander, gossip, and the like are sins and unfortunately one that I've been very good at masking as just an opinion based on my observation. Having said all that, I'm prayerful that my eyes see the righteousness in those around me and stops expecting things to look a certain way ;) . In this season God's growing me up!!

It's Not Easy To Be Me.

It's Not Easy To Be Me. , Five For Fighting I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive I'm just out to find The better part of me I'm more than a bird: I'm more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It's not easy to be me Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see It may sound absurd: but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed: but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me Up, up and away: away from me It's all right: You can all sleep sound tonight I'm not crazy: or anything: I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me It's not easy to be me. In no way do I believe I'm comparable to a superhero still the encouraging words from so many make it sound like I'm something special. This is hard to stomach when my eyes see the core of my heart which exposes an ugliness that is rarely revealed. I'm thankful, grateful and touched by the words and most cause tears. I don't know how to be me. Just months ago my independence was not in question and I though nothing of the things I did on a daily bases. Today my daily activities are dependent on others, my schedule is not my own and independence looks like getting my own drink out of my dorm refrigerator. It's not easy to be me. It's not easy to be you. What is it like to be you? To look at me, the once independent person, rely on you for everything. To wait on me from dawn to dusk. To have our fun and adventure days altered to something more subdue; something with less zeal. My ability to adapt is slow, what about for you who deal with me and my loss of independence? I assume the ability for you to adapt is equally challenging. I have no idea what it's like to be you and my mind wanders to feelings of guilt, pity and sorrow. I think about it often enough and I don't know who has it worse: me, or you. So who's the strong one? Who's the real superhero? Not me. The ones deserving the praise, the real superheros is everyone who's done even one of the countless, endless acts of service.

Tonight: I cry.

Why? Is it because... my legs are lame, my "void" are annoyingly out of my control, my lower back is in pain with most movement, my hair is abandoning its relationship with my scalp, my swollen feet resemble something like water balloons, I have to reposition my wheelchair 4 times before I can reach something a foot in front of me, my face looks like a cherry tomato, (maybe not as red as I've been saying but it is pudgy!), my taste buds are fickle, my right eye needs to be patched at night so it doesn't dry out, my arms struggle to lift my 110lb body, most of my daily activity requires someones assistance? Tonight I cry because I'm human & in my humanity I still know that I'm created in the image of Jesus.

Thank You.

For every prayer said on my behalf; every gift card; every book; every flower arrangement; every card; every call; every email; every blog comment; every visit; every care giving act; thank you for every selfless act that touches my heart in ways I can't express in words. Thank you. :)

More Laughter.

The radiation to my head has dried out my face and I look like I'm sunburned. "To bad it's not closer to Halloween, I could put a green stem on my head and go as a cherry tomato", I said to the RT techs. To which Mr. Personality (the one that had to have my sister lift me onto the RT bed on day one) replied, "Oh, you'll be red for weeks!" Good to know I'll look like a cherry tomato for weeks!! You just have to laugh.

We Chose to Laugh.

Perhaps this is another "TMI" overshare ... still I hope it finds you laughing :) My "voids" are outside the realm of my control and this could be on account of new tumors growing (that's not the laughing part). With that, I believe that man has done all he can for me and this is where God takes over. This is not to say he hasn't been a part of mans work too...his hand is in all of this. More on that later. SO...the choosing to laugh. Last night after my attempt to "void", before getting my pj's on, in the quietness I was startled by a strange noise. "What's that noise?" I asked Cathy. It was me peeing in the commode! I didn't even know I was peeing! Hilarious! Who gets startled by the sound of their own pee!?! We just laughed.

Week 3 of Chemo - FINISHED.

The pill bottle is empty and my chemo is finished. Monday is the last day of radiation, yeah! Overall my body has been doing fine with the exception of sleepless nights which wipe me out; no sleep would wipe anybody out. I'm looking forward to another relaxing weekend.

For the Highly Intelligent.

There comes a time in our live when we embrace our wits and boast. This is that time for me; I'm compelled to share these links with you - the links to sophisticated brain exercise. I can not presume to think that everyone will be up for the challenge however I've found these to be most invigorating. Good Luck. Brain Challenge #1. Brain Challenge#2.

Gamma Knife Surgery.

Is the name of the procedure I started today. It's a strange name for RT. There is no knife, it simply direct RT to the tumors. On day one of RT they create a mesh mask of my face which today the snapped me under to hold my face TIGHT to insure the precision of the treatment. When I put the mask on I asked the RT tech how do I breath - he told me slowly! Good advise. I breathed slowly. The process is only a few minutes and bearable - I have 4 days of this and my RT is done.

My contribution to comfortable bird's nests.

SO... my hair which was doing all it could to stay attached to my head has lessened its hold. The good news is is that my hair will make nice for a birds nest, yes? All that to say, Alli, the super nice nurse at the RT office told us that the ACS has wigs for free. I was thinking bald is beautiful (which it is) but wigs are wonderful, no? SO, for fun we went to the ACS office and I found a fun little wig...for free! It's only Monday and my hair follows me everywhere. I'm hoping to wait until the weekend to shave it...

Getting the tires out :)

The Jim Brinkman concert could not have been any more perfect :). The wheels enjoyed the show and well I guess we did too! The next adventure was Meijer's on Saturday shopping for the mixings for an amazing chicken stir fry compliments of chef Dan. Of course our spree took 3 hours which pushed back the dinner time not to mention he cooked for 8! Everything was excellent -- how lucky am I too be surrounded by amazing chefs?!?! If my meals were up to me they'd be cereal, toast and popcorn ... with cookies as appetizers ;)

Hot wheels.

I have to admit that I have been challenges with getting acquainted with the wheelchair. Which means getting out and about in a wheelchair is so foreign to me that I've practically succumb to not going out. All that to say that tonight, I'm taking the hot wheels out and going to see Jim Brinkman in concert. This I'm sure of - my comfort zone will be stretched and the stretching will open my zone for more opportunities.

Week 2 of Chemo - FINISHED.

With little to none side effects at all. I did however brush out a fair amount of hair this week but I still have more hair on my head that was in the brush.

No More Tears :)

Not that I really was crying...come on!! Ha. I don't recall getting the best sleep lasst night however today was a much better day dispute lack of zzzzz's. My arm is feeling much better today, thank you for answered prayers. This world I reside in is enormous yet the support that is pouring into my life has me believe that this vast world revolves around me. I do not mean this in a self-centered way ... I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the continued support that is coming from corners of my life that I haven't looked to in years. Yes, specifically I'm sending a shout of to the HS buddies that have reached out from their busy worlds to send support and prayer, THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has walked this journey with me from Bangkok to St. Charles and thank you to everyone who has joined this walk along the way. I hope we are equally blessed by this walk together and I pray that this journey blesses the lives of those around us. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

"I'll give you something to cry about."

In other words, things could always be worse. Today was more challenging than other day in regards to my energy which seems to decrease with the chemo. That could be enough to cry about, yes? But the worse is this unexplainable discomfort in my left arm that starts with pins and needles in my hand with shooting sharp pains in my forearm and bicep. This pain is enough to interrupt the desire I had to rest this evening and I fear a restless night is in front of me :( If only...my arm didn't hurt than I could deal with the lack of energy...but really? I'm sure I'd be crying over something else... boo, hoo, hoo.

Week 1 of Chemo - FINISHED.

The chemo pills were switched from 3 pills in 5 days to 1 pill over 15 days - M - F. Week one is finished. Thank you Jesus that I've not experienced any real side effects. I'm praying that my body stays strong during this time and that the radiation and chemo go directly to the source and rid my body of all cancer and leave my body 100% cancer free. Their is no radiation on the weekend either however both radiation and chemo continue to work even on the days that I'm not receiving the treatment. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend with family.

B.C.

Before Cancer. Gentle awakenings in the morning after my spirit and soul have rested. Fresh ground vanilla coffee, my 3 ring spiral notebook, the Good Book and nature join me on my lower deck for my quiet time with God. This time could and has lasted for hours. Meditating on His word using His creation to draw me closer to Him. Gentle whispers from the singing trees, cardinals, squirrels, bunny's sometime even coyotes and deer represent peace in their carefree stroll through my backyard. This time of serenity was always rejuvenating and my soul would hunger for more...alas...there is always tomorrow. I've lived through weeks of tomorrows during the hospital tour where serenity was not found and my soul was far from rejuvenating; my soul is famished and I have hunger pains for more conversation with God. Tomorrow arrived yesterday when I sat on the back deck of Cathy's house. The scenary is different and God is still the creator of all its glory. The tree filled yard offers different whispers, the birds sing a different melody and the frogs and crickets hum love songs from the angles. Humming birds visit their sweet water and all is just right. My quiet soul listened while God's loving heart loves.

Anonymous.

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you." Mathew 6:3 -4 Pat, my brother-in-law handed me my one piece of mail today and joked that it was a slow mail day for me. But when I opened the one card it was by far a slow mail day. In the envelope was a anonymous check for $2500.00 made out to me to cover the cost of chemotherapy. The experience of one persons generosity could only bring me to tears of gratitude, awe, and wonder...my tears were all I could communicate as I looked at the check and was speechless. What does a recipient do for the anonymous donor? How do I thank someone for their secret giving? The words Thank You could never be enough. May our Heavenly Father reward you for what you have done in secret; you deserve all His blessings and I pray for His generosity to flow freely on you.

Chemo - An Update.

My chemo therapy starts tomorrow and lasts 5 days; the bill however will last much longer. The chemo is in an easy pill form however the prescription cost $2500.00 (insurance paid $400). I'm hopeful that my insurance will reimburse me for more later. Continued trust in God is what I need :) The radiologist suggests that the 15 pills that are prescribed for 5 days (3x a day) will be more beneficial taking over a 15 day period. I'm feeling this will be less of a shock to my system. I took the first pill this morning (Monday). Please join me in prayer that my body stays stronger than any possible side effects and that the chemo attacks the cells that bear the cancer.

Intercession.

Sitting next to God with ears wanting to listen but the clanging whispers in my head distract me from hearing his tender voice. The distractions from the conversation within silences His truth. I'm quite grateful for the prayers that are lifted to our Lord on my behalf.

Day 1 of Radiaton.

The radiation staff at Lutheran General set standards that I'm afraid no one can match. Bill, "the radiation guy" lacks personality but hopefully not skill. He's this big Frankenstein kind of man. He asked me if I could life myself from the wheelchair to the bed for the treatment and when I told him no I need to be lifted (the bed was much higher than the chair) he told me he couldn't do it because he has a bad back. So...here she comes to save the day! Cathy had to come and lift me over. Hilarious! Not much else to report from the radiation.

Have I been naive? Have I been ignorant?

...or is my child-like faith that has kept me from acknowledging the severity of my prognosis? I've known that I have tumors along my spine, in my lung and on my brain. As far I've been concern whatever has been seen I've been believing that God's healing is manifesting already and His timing is producing patience. All that to say, when the radiologist told me that my doing the radiation to the brain will extend my life from 3 months to perhaps a year...hmm...I listened to his words and rejected them. Not that I'm scared to go, I hear heaven is a pretty sweet place -- it's just not my time :) "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34 All that to say, the clinical trial is not an option for me at this time because of the steroids / headaches. My oncologist has pushed me into the hands of the radiologist. His interest in my well being is in question now that I'm not a worthy candidate for his study. The radiologist was shocked to hear that I've been sitting on this diagnosis with no treatment to the brain. I'm quiet certain the delay has been to get me in the trial and now that I'm not a viable candidate he has released me to receive the traditional treatment. I'm scheduled to start radiation tomorrow, Happy Birthday to me :)

Abide in Me.

I reached out to Him so I could receive Him. I received Him because I reached out to Him.

Just Another Hidden Flower in the Fragence of Life.

My daily stroll through life has allowed me but moments to glance at the bright orange and pink blossoms releasing the natural aroma that reach my senses without any effort at all. I enjoyed the aroma without ever having to walk the garden; I effortlessly walked by taking in all that it has to offer: why would I take the time to walk the garden when I am already reaping the benefits from my stroll past the flower's sanctuary? My daily strolls remain, the aroma blesses me, the blossom remains a mystery. "DETOUR" My path has been detoured and I don't know why. This new path does not take me past the garden and my senses are deprived. "Why the detour? What are they doing to my garden?" This detour has disrupted my serenity and I need my garden. My garden. I must have my garden...it's a part of my walk. My curiosity to find the hidden flower overwhelms me. I approach the DETOUR sign with confidence that I can bypass the sign to see my garden and find the hidden flower. I stand on the outside and my eager attempt leaves me with empty feelings. The fragrance is out of reach and what I can see is minimal. What have they done to my garden? My garden? Ha. The one I never had time to walk through but reaped the natural aromatherapy? As if because I somehow benefited from its beauty I now am entitled to call it mine. The DETOUR sign continues to guide me in another direction and I remain curious about the garden I loved but never knew. My curiosity is compelling. What else have I loved without expressing gratitude? Must I lose sight of something before I desire to express my love for it? May I express my love and gratitude generously, unselfishly and unconditionally.

Day 7.

The park like location of this house continues to rejuvenate my soul in places that only God's beautiful creation could and I love it! In addition to the blessings from this serene environment I've also been blessed extravagantly by the care of my sister and her family. I pray their energy is sustained and even increased.

Nuisance.

The headaches persist enough to be a nuisance. My doctor has prescribed me with Norco. Is it just me or does anyone else think that there is kick back to the doctors who push this pill? Hmmm... Anyhoot. I hate meds but not as much as I hate the pain; I'm back on Norco. Laying down creates the most pain for me so last night I slept with the bed up and I was pretty much pain free :) I woke at 4:45 with a pain level of 5 (0 - no pain, 10 - only pain) and took 2 and I'm feeling better, pain level, 0. Back to the nuisance part - starting the treatment may be delayed or changed. I'm not sure but they said the headaches need to be under control. My concern is that controlling the symptoms is not getting me to the root of why the headaches persist. I wish people cared more about the cause of problems than they cared about the symptoms.

Pat, my new PT.

I met my in house PT today and I'm so far happy with her. She is on board with my goal of walking as much as she can be. She told me she will not sugar coat what she sees which is fine with me. What I don't want, and I believe between Cathy and I we've "trained" her, to not ever say the evil sentence...and you know what that is so I will not even type it out. I have had some new motion in my both legs and she feels flicker in a few different muscles. In one movement test she asked me to move both feet towards each other and my right foot moved a bit. I assumed it was my core or hip causing the movement but then she put it back and when I did it again it moved all the way over! This is a huge success as my right leg has moved little to none after the surgery. I fully expect to jumping rope in my future; knowing that if I can jump rope, my legs will perform in my every day chores!! God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

TMI: Otherwise known as an overshare :)

For Mature Audiences Only, reader beware. One big part of my body's rehabilitation is gaining control of my "voids" AKA: pee and dinkies. While recovering from the surgery they had a folly attached to my bladder which basically means I pee without thinking into a lovely bag and the nurse comes in and changes it as needed. Nice in theory except that my bladder became lazy and would need to be retrained AND the location of the surgery at L2 and L4 also effects control of that area. All that to say, sitting on the toilet for 15 minute to pee only 200ml is a chore :( Last night I was hopeful of a good pee and instead to my great surprise I dinkied!! Great news, yes? However, I didn't feel it! Feeling that I have to go and feeling when I'm going will be a great victory! I was peeing more at the hospital but not so much at all since being here. Could be the change of meds; on and off the steroids, not really sure. But not peeing is not good. Which means I get drained with a strait cat (drains the pee in me at that time). There are so many challenges in front of me and this has been a continuing battle for me. Overshare as it may be...it completes the big picture for the curious reader!

Gone Home: Back on Steroids.

1 step forward, 3 steps back. I was told that being off the steroids I would be tired and lose my appetite of which neither happened. I was not told that I could also experience headaches that would be so painful that the my tears and cries at 140dB (that of a jet airplane) sounding of a wild cat or dog would keep me from experiencing any peace at all. (The pain would keep me from peace, the cries would keep everyone else from peace!) This was my Tuesday night. In addition to the tears and cries I vomited 3 times. Every time I rolled over to my right side seeking relief from laying on my left side I experienced instant vomiting. Didn't make sense because I wasn't feeling nauseous. I was on steroids to reduces swelling which says being off the steroids would produce swelling, not limited to but including my brain. This is their explanation for me. My cries continued though out the night and ended with today not moving out of my bed until 8. Cathy stayed by my side throughout the entire night coaching me through deep breathing which offered momentary relief. I attempted to turn my cries in to praise to our Maker. My lyrics, melody and tune did not impress Cathy -- she immediately offered to put in a praise CD for me! Ah, the love only from a sister :) I have no idea how the heroes like Stephen and countless others endured the pain. Praising God, thanking Jesus, and experiencing pain in a moments time seems like a miracle of it's own. One step forward. After being in bed all day the idea of sitting up with the family to eat and even write intimidated me. I'm thankful that Cathy and Cindy took that intimidation away. This tiny success will make my tomorrow easier. I have my first visit with my PT at 11:30.

Sweet Dreams.

Last night was my third dream of me walking. Although I am not walking yet, my legs are showing interest in the idea. My thigh muscles are flexing, my left leg will kick out when I ask it to and my right leg ...well I can see that it wants to respond but it's very little. One moment at a time. Or should I say, one movement at a time.

Love Does That.

Love takes you to the ER room. Love changes evening plans to meet you at the ER. Love takes time off work to be there for you after your surgery. Love sits by your side when you have nothing to give. Love believes in you. Love hugs. Love calls just to leave a message. Love braids your hair. Love brings you flowers. Love prays. Love prays with you. Love spends the weekend. Love comes back to the hospital in the middle of the night so you don't have to endure the pain alone. Love eats hospital cafeteria food. Love treats you to Wendy's. Love reads to you. Love sings for you. Love teaches you how to knit. Love visits, call, writes, and txts. Love cries. Love laughs. Love makes thing happen that you are eternally grateful for. Love picks up your mail. Love brings you your favorite picture. Love brings you Lou Malnati's spinach pizza. Love shops for healthy food for you. Love lets you be you. Love gives you thoughtful gifts that make you smile. Love brings you blueberries. Love cooks for you. Love takes care of you as it would a baby but treats you like a lady. Love plays Racko with you in the bathroom. Love celebrates all your victories. Love gives you a place to stay. Love loves. Love does all that, and more. I love you back.

An End to a 36 Day Hospital Tour.

Blogging comfortably from my new room at my sisters. It's good to be "home".

Norco for a migraine?

Norco (Hydrocodone - a narcotic) was what the doctor on call prescribed to me at 4:00 am when I called asking for migraine medicine. Really...there is nothing in this hospital between Tylenol and a narcotic to assist in migraine relief? I had enough of Norco after the surgery, I didn't want it for a migraine. I had a migraine pill in my purse left over from Loyola and I asked the nurse to get that for me instead. I guess I could have done that earlier; my bad, I figured the doctor would know to give migraine medicine for a migraine.

Off the Steroids...and going home :)

They told me that getting off the steroids would make me weak, tired and a decreased appetite. With a little help from my angelic friends I feel great and am starving! Okay...not starving...but food sure does sounds good! Gravity can be defied. I'm leaving tomorrow for home (Cathy's). With this brings mixed emotions...of which include, hope, joy and happiness. YIPPEE!

MRI - Postponed.

A few things have to be done in order to be a candidate for the clinical trial, an updated MRI on the brain is one of them; this will be done on Friday morning at 8:30. Perhaps by the A.M. God will have gently removed the cancer cells for me? His healing has already been granted...who would I be to judge his divine timing? After 4 different attempts to get an IV working in my arm they've postponed the MRI. This test needs to be done with / and with out contrast and without a working IV this can not be done.

Heathly Eating and Me...Oxymoron?

I've grazed myself on sweets, toast, popcorn, chips, shakes and fries into this ripe age of 38. I've entertained the idea of eating healthy but chocolate, rich ice cream and Doritos offer so much more pizazz than veggies and tofu...the entertained idea stayed shelved. Now this idea is more than entertainment to the taste buds and more like indemnity. Craving chips in a panic last night I phone Ray to request healthy veggie chips! He and Jeanne came to my rescue with a goody bag from Whole Foods. 2 bags of veggie chips, all natural peanut butter, natural sweetener (for me to try in my coffee) and whole wheat crackers. The chips were perfect and the peanut butter tastes great on the crackers! The junk food junkie in me must step aside in order for my body to regain it's strength. My goal is to eliminate (or GREATLY LIMIT) refined sugar of all kinds. Eating more wheat's etc, trying natural sweetener and carob snacks. Chef Cindy (my niece) who is very innovative in the kitchen has been quiet the cheerleader for me on this quest and has already looked up fun recipes for us to create :) All your support down this path is greatly appreciated! Just in case you were thinking to yourself, "Self, Janice would surely enjoy this big batch of M&M cookies..." You are right, I would...yet my body will benefit more from the healthy alternative. All that to say...in lieu of flowers and sweets...for those of you who hate to show up empty handed...I'd be grateful for a little goody bag full of healthy snacks :) (PLEASE DON'T THINK EMPTY HANDS ARE NOT WELCOME...THE EMPTY HAND GIVE BIG HUGS...of which there is no alternative!)

OT & PT.

Things I bring to the therapy table are my desire for my body to return to it's healthy strong state AND the "floaties" (floating cancer cells around in the brain fluid), legs that don't work...and a somewhat resigned attitudes towards the work they are doing. Most half hour sessions start five minutes late then take four minutes to start. We toss a few balls, lift a three pound dumb bell then make small talk. The OT or PT think for a minute ... hmm...what should we do next...to come to the decision to repeat what we just did then we're done....usually 5 minutes early. My resignation towards their service is not going to help me reach my physical goals however what it has done has made me have to be proactive about my recovery. This morning I danced to Shakira and others for over hour (in my mind and heart that is). The visualization was wonderful and I look forward to the visualization becoming a reality.

Visitors Welcome.

Just some thoughts about these last 4 weeks. My heart flows with gratitude towards every person who keeps me in thought and prayer. I believe I mentioned earlier my answer to the social workers question regarding who I have in my life that supports me and without hesitation I answered that I don't have anyone in my life that doesn't support me. Without this present trial and the opportunity for all of my world to show up show big for me, how would I have answered that? I learned a lesson when I was very young from my father regarding the tradition of giving Christmas gifts. Why do we use so much energy to find the perfect Christmas gift when the other 364 are just as valid gift giving days? The lyrics to this song sing to that lesson. Don't Save it all for Christmas Day (Peter Zizzo, Ric Wake, Celine Dion) Don't get so busy that you miss Giving just a little kiss To the ones you love Don't even wait a little while To give them just a little smile A little is enough How many people are crying How many people are dying How many people are asking for love So don't save it all for Christmas day Find a way To give a little love everyday Don't save it all for Christmas day Find your way' Cause holidays have come and gone But loves lives on If you give on Love... How could you wait another minute A hug is warmer when you're in it And baby that's a fact And saying "I love you"'s always better Seasons, reasons, they don't matter So don't hold back How many people in this world So needful in this world How many people in this world So needful in this world How many people are praying for love So don't save it all for Christmas day Find a way To give a little love everyday Don't save it all for Christmas day Find your way' Cause holidays have come and gone But loves lives on If you give on Love... Let all the children know Everywhere that they go Their whole life long Let them know love So don't save it all for Christmas day Find a way To give a little love everyday Don't save it all for Christmas day Find your way' Cause holidays have come and gone But loves lives on If you give on Love... Love... All that to say, share the love that overflows from your heart abundantly with all the people around you everyday. Visitors welcome? In between your thoughts and prayers for me -- search out Visitors Welcome signs hanging from the hearts of your family and friends. In your absence from visiting and thinking about me know that our God is restoring my strength and energy. I pray His strength and energy equally surround you! Be free!

Consider it pure Joy.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:1-3 And we need perseverance for what? Maturity James 1:4 Character & Hope Romans 5:4 Joy in trials; a sure sign of maturity, character, and hope...all of which for the last 30 days I've laid to my side to selfishly fully embrace each ache, pain, frustration, disappointment, grief and sorrow. To celebrate today because I know our God is still on the throne, to experience joy because it's a gift that comes with my salvation, and to apprehend that Jesus died for me to laugh and love in all moments, this is my prayers request. Join me in belly laughs and unconditional love :)

Goal: Home.

The set goal is for me to go home next Tuesday. This excitement brings its own challenges. Being dependent on others for almost a month for mostly everything, what will this look like out of this environment? My lovely tri-level townhome is not wheelchair ready. With their goal of going home in a wheel chair I'm proclaiming that it is temporary. That's it for now. Update on going home: With much extended love from Cathy and her family they are setting up a room for me to have at her pad. This will be my home away from home. The hospital does not want me to be alone yet and being at her house will help in this transition. I am very thankful for the care that she's extended over these weeks and I'm forever grateful for her strength and energy to love me; unconditionally :)

Exhausted.

Weakness takes over my physical and emotional desire to be strong and the cognitive dissonance cause my thoughts to only add to the exhaustion. I have no doubt that my Jesus is near, my insecurity is in my ability to reach out to Him; having said that my ability to reach Him does not effect His ability to reach me. If there is anything good in me it is because of His generosity. I am weak. He is strong. I am nothing. His is everything. I am insecure. He is stable. Still, I am me, created in His image.

Evaluations and Introductions.

Friday was my first day in the rehab wing at LGH and various staff showed up earning their keep here at the hospital. The mix between them doing their job and me knowing who I was just one month ago is humbling and somewhat humiliating. The neuropsychologist I'm sure has a point to say but I don't remember it being important. When I talked about my faith she did reply "Oh that works for a lot of people"...hmm. Another girl came in from the neurology department and held a pencil for me to identify, a watch, asked me what season it was, what hospital I was in (that one I almost failed...this hospital tour of mine has me confused). I believe I passed that evaluation (if passing was my goal). On Saturday I met with the speech therapist and she asked me to write checks, log it in a register, identify a stapler, describe a picture, recall the states in 60 seconds, who the president is...and so on...I said Clinton...where have I been for 8 years? Luckily my political ignorance didn't hinder my passing. For the record I did correct myself :). The reason for meeting with her is because the effect of the "floaties" cancer cells in my brain fluid and my drooping right side of my face. On Sunday my OT had me reach out to her and grab 6 inch plastic rings from one hand and place them on a ring holder. This seemingly easy task is difficult for me because my body doesn't recognize that I have legs to keep me balanced. I was able to share this weekend with Dan...how I long for weekends on my deck with the Good Word, coffee and the gentle whisper from the swaying trees. Needless to say this is life now. We visited with Ed Y on Friday for a bit; Cindy, Lisa and DJ on Saturday afternoon and Ray and Jeanne spiced up my menu with pizza from Lou Malnati's...yum! There are many things that challenge my spirit through out the day and mostly I just want to sleep. The "floaties" take away from the simple pleasures, I don't know how to explain it. OH ... but in my PT evaluation I was asked to read an eye chart where I apparently have close to 20 / 16 vision...that was fun to read the last line on the chart :)

Sugar and Cancer?

Not one person in the hospital has ever heard of the correlation and today when I asked Laurel about it she told me with a somewhat smug smirk that she doesn't believe it, she had nothing else to add, that was it. I believe that doctors don't know everything.

Ipilimumab (MDX-010)

The name of the experiemental drug they recommend for my brain tumors is called Ipilimumab (MDX-010). This will start perhaps as early as this week. It is an antibody that will attack the tumors remaining. 4 times every 3 weeks for 1 hour.

6 hours...

of sleep in one night was God's gift to me last night, thank you Jesus!

August 21, 2008 Update.

This morning was rough and the day added despair, ended with a prayers that reopened my heart to the presence of God. Basically the morning started with me waking to a folly bag (for my urine) not working which meant that my bladder was holding it (one of my body's function that needs to be retrained!). I was in PAIN! All you holders out there - let it flow, for my sake :) After a 30 minute episode of attempting to communicate with the nurses and finally a doctor I screamed I HAVE TO PEEEEE! I don't know how much more clear I could have been but perhaps I was speaking in tongues?! The doctor came in wanting to give me meds for my stomach pain ... no written comment needed on her...this blog is rated G. So, my bladder which is MAXED at approximately 1000 was holding on to almost 1400! Insane pain. During breakfast my doctor came in and told me that the lung CT scan did find a small leisson. Not news I wanted. I cried during my transportation (they bring me down to the basement on a bed) to radiation and the RT department just let me cry -- thank you! They are so nice to me, beautiful people. Later OT (occupational therapy) came and wiggled my legs for exercise, or at least that's the extent of what I felt it was worth. Pat & Cathy & dad came out with clothes for me to wear during the day. The rehabilitation I guess frowns on hospital gowns, huh?! JK. My first impression of this new wing of the hospital was petrified. At least this shared room has an empty bed next to me, thank you Jesus! The walls of my world shrunk, my hearts pound echoed louder and my thoughts were cages by hopelessness. We took a wheelchair outside and my world was reopened back up to me. The day ended late after the hustle of moving and a well needed and much appreciated shower. Yeah! I think that's it, for now.

How can I be patient with God's timing when waiting 20 minutes (so far) for a nurse 8 steps from my room seems impossible? What does it really look like to be patient? Either I don't know or waiting on God is easier than waiting on man. Yes, that must have something to do with it. I trust God's good intentions and have no doubt that He cares and loves me, I can wait because I know He cares. I have a hard time seeing the care from the staff -- not all, just some. So patience with people is the real test. Extending patience for people who don't care about the same things I do; or even care about me. Lord, forgive me for not extending your grace to my thorns; you love them too.

New bed, same hospital.

They are planing to move me from this luxurious private room on the oncology floor to a much less prestigious shared rehab room. This is planned for tomorrow sometime, I'm not sure when. I will stay here until the radiation is done and then we'll see where to next. OH and of course, it not a complete day until they scan me...yes, add one more CT scan to the list! This routine scan was done in the lung and chest area.

Healed of Cancer, by Dodie Osteen

Last night my spirit was renewed when my father read from this book to me. This tiny little book with only 72 pages is an authentic expression of heart felt gratitude towards our healing God intermingled with the temptations of doubt and defeat of the devil. (Thank you Randy & Simone for the book!) Pat and Cathy shared in my dads reading and Cathy believes I'm ready to give knitting another try (something to do while my dad reads to us!). My soul celebrates the healing that my body is not yet experiencing. I'm using God's strength right now to focus on this somewhat strenuous task of journaling; a seemingly simple task that I've taken for granted all of my writing career. My left eye is fighting an infection and the right side of my face is dropping with my right eye blinking at a retarded pace to the left. No answer has been given for this. I suppose in the end the cause means nothing to me as much as the cure. The legs that allow me to chase Aspen, run up and down stairs, jump rope, walk, bike and basically move have turned from wet noodles to wet bricks. Having that said, they still have the appearance of wet noodles!! They are practically numb to touch yet the weight of them is a constant reminder to me that they are there...this makes good sleep ALMOST impossible. This is all a shock to my system. My body, mind and spirit need strength and everything that surrounds my everyday activities represent a weak body dependant on others care; of which in my humility I am thankful. All that to say, my spirit rejoices and my mind shall follow dispite what my body is screaming!

Power and Patience.

He's got the Power; I need the patience. AND I will not let my need for patience with His timing take away my knowing that He can heal my body at any moment.

Luthern General

Thank you for your calls and prayers, they are well received, even though not returned... here's an update: Day 3 of radiation. Not much to report, but it makes me nauseous. Back up to Thursday (the 14th) I experienced excruciating pain in my right ovary area..while at Marianjoy. It included dizziness, psychedelic images and blurred vision. They had trouble inserting an IV. I vomited 4 times between 7pm and 7am, and finally left by an ambulance to Lutheran General Hospital in the morning. I was in ER most of the day, where they did various tests and confirmed that a cyst in my ovary had burst. I have had so many CAT scans and MRIs- they all confirm Melanoma tumors on the spine, that are currently being radiated, and there are 4 lesions on my brain, for which the doctors are formulating a game plan. Randy, Simone and Dan prayed with gratitude for the healing that is manifesting in my body, and I ask you to join in the same. Our God is good as his word has ordained. Last night I had a dream that I got up and walked. I got up and walked and forgot that I wasn't supposed to be. It was so natural, and I praised God for the healing. Today I have big blue moon boots on to help my feet and ankles because my legs have not been used. I don't know the timing of this journey, but even now, my friend Anne is typing this for me, as my eyes are too sensitive (and it is too strenuous to look at the keyboard). I don't know what its like to be you all- wanting to visit and take care of me, but I DO know that I'm loved. I need to use my time for rest for this journey that is ahead of me. Don't feel bad if you don't get a chance to visit. Right now I feel its best for my recovery to have less visitors. Emma: I know you want to come see me- thank you thank you thank you. I see your smiling face even though you are not here. Karen and Len: Thanks for the cookie bouquet. Eve and Paul: For bringing casino night to the hospital (and the bag of goodies). I wish I felt better for that. Thanks for all the flowers and cards. Its good to know I'm not doing this alone. Pat and Cathy: Thank you just for everything! Ray and Jeanne: Thanks for everything, too. Mark and Mary: Thanks for your support. Thank you Lynne for your calls and emails. Thank you Jayne (from Seattle) for being a prayer warrior. Thank you Sharon and Jim for believing in my healing. Thank you Mark and Jackie for the aromatheropy pup...so cute and made me cry :) And Dan- for loving me like no other man can love a woman. And I'd like to thank my mom and dad who brought me up with good character to help me win this award and help me win the race! Thank you to all the nurses, transporters, physical therapists, doctors, and technicians! :) Beating cancer will outlast any academy award!!

Cheetos.

My saturated medicated taste buds enjoyed the pungent imposter cheese chunches. They made my taste buds smile again. :) Having said that, please know my taste buds come second to feeding my soul.

38 Staples Strong

38 staples in my back. Everyone views me as so strong. Please, if you view me as strong, don't view my tears as a weakness. 38 staples strong.

August 14, 2008

How do you spell relief? E-N-E-M-A. How do you spell freedom? E-N-E-M-A. How do you spell happiness? E-N-E-M-A. How do you spell... all right, you get the idea.

MRH goals.

Marianjoy has set a goal for me to be released on August 28th with a wheelchair. This is much different than my goal of leaving this Friday with a jump rope. My legs remind me of a wet set of noddles attached to a wooden spoon over a crock pot of spaghetti. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow morning -- I'm thinking the nerve weakness is from the Neurontin I've been on, I'm going to ask to get off of it. I'm not afraid of this time or place -- this is temporary and my soul rejoices, even in perceived helplessness I know my God smiles with me :)

August 13. 2008

A short summary of this journey that started July 13: Weird numbing feelings below the belt -- blamed it on too much Thai food (ha) or a bug bit, that week I dealt with the "pain" waiting for it to go away. July 21: These dates get mixed up but basically I wasn't getting any better and what I was experiencing became painful. I went to a ER room where the doctor ordered an MRI. The results showed two cysts, one on the ovaries (simple and benign - no worries, just a coincidence) and a cyst at the end of my spin. Fine I thought -- remove it. HOWEVER, the neurosurgeon could not put the location of the cyst to the existing pain. Hmm....second opinion. Now at the Bumrungrad International Hospital, new neurologist, finds new stuff. The protective liquid that covers the spine is MIA through L2 - L4. He orders another MRI. The new MRI is a mystery, not sure what it is, he suggests a biopsy. By this time in the game I'm scheduled to fly home on the 28th so I'm pick this all up when I get home. The flight home was horribly long and uncomfortable. I had wheel chair assistance between flights, thank you! I overheard a man comment to his children, perhaps grandchildren, that next time they fly they will get someone in a wheelchair so they wont have to wait in line. As to which I replied (although not invited into the conversation - the level of his voice I perceived as an invitation), "I'd rather be walking and waiting then in this wheelchair.". He disagreed. I was in shock. Dan and Jon met me at O'Hare, rolled up to them with my United wheels and wanted it all to look different. I wanted the pain to go away but it persisted. ER at Delnor on the 28th, transfer to Loyola. More MRI's on Tuesday, 4.5 surgery on Wednesday. ICU Thursday, transfer out later that day (or was that Friday?). The mystery mass has metastasized melanoma leisons and a leison was also found on the brain. Chemo or something is recommended for my future but for now we're working on getting my strength back. Leave for Marianjoy Rehabilitation Hospital the next Friday.

August 12. 2008

In the presence of my circumstance with limited distractions the tears flow from the grief over expectations vs limitations. I welcome the tears as I know they are there whether seen or not and I embrace the authentic expression -- even if it is in solitude. I'm feeling exhausted today. My left leg which I once felt was strong has weakened. My right leg lacks communication. I saw the house psychologist today as part of the intake evaluation, not much to note with that meeting. Silly questions, silly answers. What emotions are expected from someone who had control over her body and embraced exercise with joy and now finds her soul attached to legs that don't understand the spoken nerve language?