Gamma Knife Surgery.

Is the name of the procedure I started today. It's a strange name for RT. There is no knife, it simply direct RT to the tumors. On day one of RT they create a mesh mask of my face which today the snapped me under to hold my face TIGHT to insure the precision of the treatment. When I put the mask on I asked the RT tech how do I breath - he told me slowly! Good advise. I breathed slowly. The process is only a few minutes and bearable - I have 4 days of this and my RT is done.

My contribution to comfortable bird's nests.

SO... my hair which was doing all it could to stay attached to my head has lessened its hold. The good news is is that my hair will make nice for a birds nest, yes? All that to say, Alli, the super nice nurse at the RT office told us that the ACS has wigs for free. I was thinking bald is beautiful (which it is) but wigs are wonderful, no? SO, for fun we went to the ACS office and I found a fun little wig...for free! It's only Monday and my hair follows me everywhere. I'm hoping to wait until the weekend to shave it...

Getting the tires out :)

The Jim Brinkman concert could not have been any more perfect :). The wheels enjoyed the show and well I guess we did too! The next adventure was Meijer's on Saturday shopping for the mixings for an amazing chicken stir fry compliments of chef Dan. Of course our spree took 3 hours which pushed back the dinner time not to mention he cooked for 8! Everything was excellent -- how lucky am I too be surrounded by amazing chefs?!?! If my meals were up to me they'd be cereal, toast and popcorn ... with cookies as appetizers ;)

Hot wheels.

I have to admit that I have been challenges with getting acquainted with the wheelchair. Which means getting out and about in a wheelchair is so foreign to me that I've practically succumb to not going out. All that to say that tonight, I'm taking the hot wheels out and going to see Jim Brinkman in concert. This I'm sure of - my comfort zone will be stretched and the stretching will open my zone for more opportunities.

Week 2 of Chemo - FINISHED.

With little to none side effects at all. I did however brush out a fair amount of hair this week but I still have more hair on my head that was in the brush.

No More Tears :)

Not that I really was crying...come on!! Ha. I don't recall getting the best sleep lasst night however today was a much better day dispute lack of zzzzz's. My arm is feeling much better today, thank you for answered prayers. This world I reside in is enormous yet the support that is pouring into my life has me believe that this vast world revolves around me. I do not mean this in a self-centered way ... I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the continued support that is coming from corners of my life that I haven't looked to in years. Yes, specifically I'm sending a shout of to the HS buddies that have reached out from their busy worlds to send support and prayer, THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has walked this journey with me from Bangkok to St. Charles and thank you to everyone who has joined this walk along the way. I hope we are equally blessed by this walk together and I pray that this journey blesses the lives of those around us. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

"I'll give you something to cry about."

In other words, things could always be worse. Today was more challenging than other day in regards to my energy which seems to decrease with the chemo. That could be enough to cry about, yes? But the worse is this unexplainable discomfort in my left arm that starts with pins and needles in my hand with shooting sharp pains in my forearm and bicep. This pain is enough to interrupt the desire I had to rest this evening and I fear a restless night is in front of me :( If only...my arm didn't hurt than I could deal with the lack of energy...but really? I'm sure I'd be crying over something else... boo, hoo, hoo.

Week 1 of Chemo - FINISHED.

The chemo pills were switched from 3 pills in 5 days to 1 pill over 15 days - M - F. Week one is finished. Thank you Jesus that I've not experienced any real side effects. I'm praying that my body stays strong during this time and that the radiation and chemo go directly to the source and rid my body of all cancer and leave my body 100% cancer free. Their is no radiation on the weekend either however both radiation and chemo continue to work even on the days that I'm not receiving the treatment. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend with family.

B.C.

Before Cancer. Gentle awakenings in the morning after my spirit and soul have rested. Fresh ground vanilla coffee, my 3 ring spiral notebook, the Good Book and nature join me on my lower deck for my quiet time with God. This time could and has lasted for hours. Meditating on His word using His creation to draw me closer to Him. Gentle whispers from the singing trees, cardinals, squirrels, bunny's sometime even coyotes and deer represent peace in their carefree stroll through my backyard. This time of serenity was always rejuvenating and my soul would hunger for more...alas...there is always tomorrow. I've lived through weeks of tomorrows during the hospital tour where serenity was not found and my soul was far from rejuvenating; my soul is famished and I have hunger pains for more conversation with God. Tomorrow arrived yesterday when I sat on the back deck of Cathy's house. The scenary is different and God is still the creator of all its glory. The tree filled yard offers different whispers, the birds sing a different melody and the frogs and crickets hum love songs from the angles. Humming birds visit their sweet water and all is just right. My quiet soul listened while God's loving heart loves.

Anonymous.

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you." Mathew 6:3 -4 Pat, my brother-in-law handed me my one piece of mail today and joked that it was a slow mail day for me. But when I opened the one card it was by far a slow mail day. In the envelope was a anonymous check for $2500.00 made out to me to cover the cost of chemotherapy. The experience of one persons generosity could only bring me to tears of gratitude, awe, and wonder...my tears were all I could communicate as I looked at the check and was speechless. What does a recipient do for the anonymous donor? How do I thank someone for their secret giving? The words Thank You could never be enough. May our Heavenly Father reward you for what you have done in secret; you deserve all His blessings and I pray for His generosity to flow freely on you.

Chemo - An Update.

My chemo therapy starts tomorrow and lasts 5 days; the bill however will last much longer. The chemo is in an easy pill form however the prescription cost $2500.00 (insurance paid $400). I'm hopeful that my insurance will reimburse me for more later. Continued trust in God is what I need :) The radiologist suggests that the 15 pills that are prescribed for 5 days (3x a day) will be more beneficial taking over a 15 day period. I'm feeling this will be less of a shock to my system. I took the first pill this morning (Monday). Please join me in prayer that my body stays stronger than any possible side effects and that the chemo attacks the cells that bear the cancer.

Intercession.

Sitting next to God with ears wanting to listen but the clanging whispers in my head distract me from hearing his tender voice. The distractions from the conversation within silences His truth. I'm quite grateful for the prayers that are lifted to our Lord on my behalf.

Day 1 of Radiaton.

The radiation staff at Lutheran General set standards that I'm afraid no one can match. Bill, "the radiation guy" lacks personality but hopefully not skill. He's this big Frankenstein kind of man. He asked me if I could life myself from the wheelchair to the bed for the treatment and when I told him no I need to be lifted (the bed was much higher than the chair) he told me he couldn't do it because he has a bad back. So...here she comes to save the day! Cathy had to come and lift me over. Hilarious! Not much else to report from the radiation.

Have I been naive? Have I been ignorant?

...or is my child-like faith that has kept me from acknowledging the severity of my prognosis? I've known that I have tumors along my spine, in my lung and on my brain. As far I've been concern whatever has been seen I've been believing that God's healing is manifesting already and His timing is producing patience. All that to say, when the radiologist told me that my doing the radiation to the brain will extend my life from 3 months to perhaps a year...hmm...I listened to his words and rejected them. Not that I'm scared to go, I hear heaven is a pretty sweet place -- it's just not my time :) "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34 All that to say, the clinical trial is not an option for me at this time because of the steroids / headaches. My oncologist has pushed me into the hands of the radiologist. His interest in my well being is in question now that I'm not a worthy candidate for his study. The radiologist was shocked to hear that I've been sitting on this diagnosis with no treatment to the brain. I'm quiet certain the delay has been to get me in the trial and now that I'm not a viable candidate he has released me to receive the traditional treatment. I'm scheduled to start radiation tomorrow, Happy Birthday to me :)

Abide in Me.

I reached out to Him so I could receive Him. I received Him because I reached out to Him.

Just Another Hidden Flower in the Fragence of Life.

My daily stroll through life has allowed me but moments to glance at the bright orange and pink blossoms releasing the natural aroma that reach my senses without any effort at all. I enjoyed the aroma without ever having to walk the garden; I effortlessly walked by taking in all that it has to offer: why would I take the time to walk the garden when I am already reaping the benefits from my stroll past the flower's sanctuary? My daily strolls remain, the aroma blesses me, the blossom remains a mystery. "DETOUR" My path has been detoured and I don't know why. This new path does not take me past the garden and my senses are deprived. "Why the detour? What are they doing to my garden?" This detour has disrupted my serenity and I need my garden. My garden. I must have my garden...it's a part of my walk. My curiosity to find the hidden flower overwhelms me. I approach the DETOUR sign with confidence that I can bypass the sign to see my garden and find the hidden flower. I stand on the outside and my eager attempt leaves me with empty feelings. The fragrance is out of reach and what I can see is minimal. What have they done to my garden? My garden? Ha. The one I never had time to walk through but reaped the natural aromatherapy? As if because I somehow benefited from its beauty I now am entitled to call it mine. The DETOUR sign continues to guide me in another direction and I remain curious about the garden I loved but never knew. My curiosity is compelling. What else have I loved without expressing gratitude? Must I lose sight of something before I desire to express my love for it? May I express my love and gratitude generously, unselfishly and unconditionally.

Day 7.

The park like location of this house continues to rejuvenate my soul in places that only God's beautiful creation could and I love it! In addition to the blessings from this serene environment I've also been blessed extravagantly by the care of my sister and her family. I pray their energy is sustained and even increased.

Nuisance.

The headaches persist enough to be a nuisance. My doctor has prescribed me with Norco. Is it just me or does anyone else think that there is kick back to the doctors who push this pill? Hmmm... Anyhoot. I hate meds but not as much as I hate the pain; I'm back on Norco. Laying down creates the most pain for me so last night I slept with the bed up and I was pretty much pain free :) I woke at 4:45 with a pain level of 5 (0 - no pain, 10 - only pain) and took 2 and I'm feeling better, pain level, 0. Back to the nuisance part - starting the treatment may be delayed or changed. I'm not sure but they said the headaches need to be under control. My concern is that controlling the symptoms is not getting me to the root of why the headaches persist. I wish people cared more about the cause of problems than they cared about the symptoms.

Pat, my new PT.

I met my in house PT today and I'm so far happy with her. She is on board with my goal of walking as much as she can be. She told me she will not sugar coat what she sees which is fine with me. What I don't want, and I believe between Cathy and I we've "trained" her, to not ever say the evil sentence...and you know what that is so I will not even type it out. I have had some new motion in my both legs and she feels flicker in a few different muscles. In one movement test she asked me to move both feet towards each other and my right foot moved a bit. I assumed it was my core or hip causing the movement but then she put it back and when I did it again it moved all the way over! This is a huge success as my right leg has moved little to none after the surgery. I fully expect to jumping rope in my future; knowing that if I can jump rope, my legs will perform in my every day chores!! God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

TMI: Otherwise known as an overshare :)

For Mature Audiences Only, reader beware. One big part of my body's rehabilitation is gaining control of my "voids" AKA: pee and dinkies. While recovering from the surgery they had a folly attached to my bladder which basically means I pee without thinking into a lovely bag and the nurse comes in and changes it as needed. Nice in theory except that my bladder became lazy and would need to be retrained AND the location of the surgery at L2 and L4 also effects control of that area. All that to say, sitting on the toilet for 15 minute to pee only 200ml is a chore :( Last night I was hopeful of a good pee and instead to my great surprise I dinkied!! Great news, yes? However, I didn't feel it! Feeling that I have to go and feeling when I'm going will be a great victory! I was peeing more at the hospital but not so much at all since being here. Could be the change of meds; on and off the steroids, not really sure. But not peeing is not good. Which means I get drained with a strait cat (drains the pee in me at that time). There are so many challenges in front of me and this has been a continuing battle for me. Overshare as it may be...it completes the big picture for the curious reader!

Gone Home: Back on Steroids.

1 step forward, 3 steps back. I was told that being off the steroids I would be tired and lose my appetite of which neither happened. I was not told that I could also experience headaches that would be so painful that the my tears and cries at 140dB (that of a jet airplane) sounding of a wild cat or dog would keep me from experiencing any peace at all. (The pain would keep me from peace, the cries would keep everyone else from peace!) This was my Tuesday night. In addition to the tears and cries I vomited 3 times. Every time I rolled over to my right side seeking relief from laying on my left side I experienced instant vomiting. Didn't make sense because I wasn't feeling nauseous. I was on steroids to reduces swelling which says being off the steroids would produce swelling, not limited to but including my brain. This is their explanation for me. My cries continued though out the night and ended with today not moving out of my bed until 8. Cathy stayed by my side throughout the entire night coaching me through deep breathing which offered momentary relief. I attempted to turn my cries in to praise to our Maker. My lyrics, melody and tune did not impress Cathy -- she immediately offered to put in a praise CD for me! Ah, the love only from a sister :) I have no idea how the heroes like Stephen and countless others endured the pain. Praising God, thanking Jesus, and experiencing pain in a moments time seems like a miracle of it's own. One step forward. After being in bed all day the idea of sitting up with the family to eat and even write intimidated me. I'm thankful that Cathy and Cindy took that intimidation away. This tiny success will make my tomorrow easier. I have my first visit with my PT at 11:30.

Sweet Dreams.

Last night was my third dream of me walking. Although I am not walking yet, my legs are showing interest in the idea. My thigh muscles are flexing, my left leg will kick out when I ask it to and my right leg ...well I can see that it wants to respond but it's very little. One moment at a time. Or should I say, one movement at a time.

Love Does That.

Love takes you to the ER room. Love changes evening plans to meet you at the ER. Love takes time off work to be there for you after your surgery. Love sits by your side when you have nothing to give. Love believes in you. Love hugs. Love calls just to leave a message. Love braids your hair. Love brings you flowers. Love prays. Love prays with you. Love spends the weekend. Love comes back to the hospital in the middle of the night so you don't have to endure the pain alone. Love eats hospital cafeteria food. Love treats you to Wendy's. Love reads to you. Love sings for you. Love teaches you how to knit. Love visits, call, writes, and txts. Love cries. Love laughs. Love makes thing happen that you are eternally grateful for. Love picks up your mail. Love brings you your favorite picture. Love brings you Lou Malnati's spinach pizza. Love shops for healthy food for you. Love lets you be you. Love gives you thoughtful gifts that make you smile. Love brings you blueberries. Love cooks for you. Love takes care of you as it would a baby but treats you like a lady. Love plays Racko with you in the bathroom. Love celebrates all your victories. Love gives you a place to stay. Love loves. Love does all that, and more. I love you back.