Monday, October 27, 2008
Am I A Walking Contradiction?
My faith stands firm in my heart yet my actions contradict nearly everything I stand for. The days go by fast with little to nothing accomplished. Tears are a daily activity. My faith and courage have been sacrificed for lazy days.
I've forfeited strength for weakness;
hope for despair,
love for loneliness,
and community for isolation.
My heart soaks up the love that is bestowed me yet my mind wanders to places it surely shouldn't go -- the temptations to feel sorry for my self seems the easier path -- a path I'm sure has a ring leader of God's own enemy.
I fight head aches, blurred vision, heavy legs, random shooting pains, sore arms, tight shoulders and more. I fear going to sleep on account of the restlessness that has accompanied so many sleepless nights.
I'm not a psychologist however observing my behavior I can't help but label my mood as melancholy. Are my defeated actions evidence of depression?
In my pain and fear and confusion I've been told I've spoken harshly; in my ugliness I've offended others. I beg for grace and mercy to be extended. Can my broken heart authentically express its hopelessness without being ugly? I'm just wondering. I'm praying and hoping that my character superseded any hint of appalling tones and words.
I am sad, I am overwhelmed, I am confused, I am discouraged.
Still, Jesus died on the cross for my sins and He loves me. I know I can approach Him in my imperfection and He will extend grace, mercy and forgiveness. I know I have a place in heaven and this fills my heart with hope.
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5 comments:
You have every right to have a bad day and feel the same feelings that any other human would feel in your place. But for every dark day, there is another bright day, one with little pain and a sense of warmth. You are so strong and have so many people praying for you. Have your bad days and know that it won't chase people away.
I love you too!
We are all human. We all contradict ourselves, and we all say things our hearts don't mean. You will always still be loved.
Janice, I think you are beautiful. God blessed my life with the opportunity to know a wonderful person like you. And you have a bad day...so what, you are allowed to! And when you feel icky remember I feel icky every day too when I see my crooked smile. Do we can start a club for the bad days. I think you are beautiful and I miss you.
You are always in my prayers.
love, Robin
hey, i didn't know you and am reading of your ending in the beacon today but i just want to say to u as I am sure you might be looking down from above wondering why all these people , strangers really are reading your blog. It was that pic they put of you in the paper, your family. Your smile lit up your whole face and now i see why you were special to many. I was reading about your struggle and it pulled on the heartstrings. I hope you are resting now.
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